My kids are totally gonna get scurvy and rickets

My oldest has officially lost the ceremony of senior year in its entirety. She isn't the type to embrace that sort of stuff, nor was I, but it is a damn shame. This age is a profound time of passage, whether you care about caps and gowns, or big dances or whatever, or not. I am personally very sad that society's standard celebration of that has been taken away from so many kids. We will have to do something to mark it all, somehow.

according to the produce aisle, “YOUR HAND SOAP AND TOILET PAPER HAVE BEEN IMPORTANT... UNTIL NOW... I AM TRADER JOE’S RECKONING!” isn’t the slightest bit funny, even with the mask on

When your only tool is urine, every problem looks like a litterbox

I feel like we’ve collectively ruined dumpster fires as a metaphor. I suggest moving on to the tire fire, a truly impressive, persistent phenomenon in the world of toxic combustion

We have graduated to the yelling at the cat “I SEE INSIDE YOUR MIIIIND!!!” stage of isolation

Things is still a bad app. It’s bad. I used to regularly complain about how long it took them to reinvent sync, and the same core problem still applies—they are so wound up in the technical aspects of how things get done in the app that they keep extremely poor sight on how people actually use stuff. Omnifocus manages user-centered flexibility way better, while being immensely more powerful. And honest kudos to Reminders for out of nowhere becoming the contender that strikes the best balance.

My wife got ridiculed by her own family for politely declining to come in and chat when dropping off cookies. Now, to be fair that family has always internally fostered a culture of absurd dismissiveness, they do. not. get it, man. Chrissakes.

Every time I hear “flatten the curve” I get the Dukes of Hazzard theme stuck in my head, AMA

My 70 year old relative would like everyone to know that everything is fine and it’s perfectly ok to pressure one of your daughters, the one who works on a covid overflow floor, to go help another of her daughters pack, and by the way drive herself and her older husband and her two grandsons up for no apparent reason so everyone will be in the same place as this is happening.

Folks. Stay vigilant. And be mean to your family if you have to.

Blessedly alone in the house for a bit. It’s the little things, like how there is someone constantly preparing food

Slim’s SF to close after three decades as the worst sounding and least comfortable venue available, thank god

You know what people need to be saying more often right now? “I’m scared.”

Our motherfucking president lashed out at a reporter today for lobbing him the softball to end all softballs: what do you want to say to Americans who are scared?

In doing so he’s shaming a whole nation who he wants to convince that it is wrong to be scared when life turns upside down.

Normalize being scared. It’s really important.

Sometimes you know you’re just trading one set of problems for another, and you’re totally cool with that because you’re just tired of the old problems and new ones sound like a new world of excitement.

My somewhat tense decade-long relationship with the (honestly quite nice) next door neighbors over their penchant for letting their frequent backyard screaming parties run very late is about to get more tense given I work at home daily and my kids are now essentially homeschooling and even a mid-day backyard screaming party is kind of a pain in my ass.

Another time, my friend Todd stayed at my house. We played spies in the orchard and that was cool. But then in the morning he barfed waffles in our van and I cried. Also he went on a pro-Reagan re-election rant that was just “do you want taxes?! Mondale is all taxes!!” I kinda did want taxes. I didn’t know why really, but I kinda did.

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Did you ever sleep over at a friend’s house and it just didn’t go well

I was basically in love with this kid Brent in 4th grade. Then I stayed at his house and he didn’t stop talking about Cale Yarborough the whole time. And the next day I ate a piece of perfumed candle wax thinking it was a cheese puff crumb. That shit stays with you, man.

Christ, as if we haven’t had enough already Justin Verlander is undergoing surgery

All I do is load and run the dishwasher now

I realize this is a controversial opinion but

Aaron Paul

Shitty actor

Show more is a Mastodon instance for dads, running the Hometown fork of Mastodon.