glad my wife didn’t walk in on me and the baby exultantly shouting “bigoo!” at each other back and forth while throwing our hands in the air for ten minutes straight

Just freed an absolutely gigantic butterfly from a spiderweb, and after it could fly, it flew up, landed on my baby’s cheek, and flew off :3

Things I Should Have Done While Baby was Napping: A Parent’s Memoir

1969: this is Oscar the Grouch, he lives in a trash can, haha

Now: there is an entire Grouch culture whose sense of aesthetics and pleasure is inverted from our own. There’s a Grouch University

Baby currently fighting sleep by repeatedly slapping their stuffed sloth’s butt and laughing their head off

switching on the ol’ dad galaxy brain and using the baby’s high chair as a makeshift side table for my coffee as i lounge on the couch & read during baby’s afternoon nap

Wife: we have so many wipes. how many wipes do you think we have?

Me, laughing: I dunno…5,000??

Reader, turns out we have 30 packs of 168 wipes = 5,040 wipes and I’m going to go guess quantities at the carnival at the first safe opportunity

Read Hemingway’s “A Moveable Feast” and one of the most WTF details slipped in there is that he and his wife would just leave their infant son completely unsupervised in a crib all day while they hung out around Paris

tide pods 

wanna see a follow up ad that's like "An important safety announcement from Tide: We've found a defect in the Tide PODS® Child-Guard™ Pack, and we're proud to announce the new Tide PODS® Child-Guard™ Child-Guard™ Pack Container. Simply place your entire Tide PODS® Child-Guard™ Pack inside the Tide PODS® Child-Guard™ Child-Guard™ Pack Container, and know that your child is safe. Available at retailers nationwide"

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tide pods 

just saw a tide pod commercial where the entire premise is that babies have an insatiable unstoppable born-in desire to eat tide pods and if you look away for even a second with tide pods in the house they will eat the tide pods and they have a babyproof tide pod vault that you can buy to prevent this. my solution is just not buying tide pods??

Pros: baby said “breakfast” for the first time today when we were giving them breakfast!

Cons: baby is now also saying “breakfast” for lunch

we've reached the Hell Trough of training baby to go to sleep without being rocked, where they now hate both being rocked AND being put down without being rocked

looks like yet another full day of solo dad duty while baby refuses all naps 🙃

who’s your least favorite bubble guppy and why is it nonny

wife wanted a decaf soy latte this morning…the plato’s cave of coffee 😔

in retrospect, the bubbleguppies circus having a cannon that just fired whenever someone got into it, was a bad design, from a safety standpoint

just did a “did not anticipate the jump in heat between a place’s second spiciest sauce and their spiciest sauce but the baby’s gonna wake up in 10 minutes” hot wing challenge

my “damn good coffee” mug has people asking a lot of questions about the contents of the mug which are already answered by the mug

Show more is a Mastodon instance for dads, running the Hometown fork of Mastodon.