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Ryan, 35, new dad of one ("E", born May 2019). Here for dadposting, dadvice, dadjokes, etc.

wait it just occurred to me that i can now actually do the “never talk to me or my son ever again” thing

[grocery shopping with the 3-month old] ah, now we can get the family size chips ahoy

people keep saying parenthood is all about the "experience" but tbh i've already hit the level cap so it's really more like post-game content

In this paper we postulate the existence of the "eightsie": an identical onesie worn by octuplets

Technically, if identical twins wear identical onesies, those are twosies

somewhat gross 

Went to a 4yo’s birthday party yesterday that had a whole-ass adult man crashing(?) it to officially promote Disney films

Finally put the baby down and now I can do what I’ve been wanting to all evening: laundry

ASMR Baby Screaming Directly Into Your Ear (6 Hours)

just made an excellent pourover with one hand while holding a baby with the other, real hours

Wife: “oh, this is vegan baby lotion”

Me: “yeah, all our other lotion is meat-based”

Yesterday's dadproject was cleaning and re-assembling a baby jumper we got for $30 off OfferUp. Same model is $100 new!

I say this and we always tiptoe around the house like the slightest noise is going to wake the baby, but if E falls asleep when we're out with him a train could rumble by laying on its horn the whole time and he'd stay knocked out

: WD-40 your door hinges so that creaking won't wake the baby

Like, thanks, sure, I will, but I’ll also use those days however I please and with whatever excuse I want, parent or not

HR keeps trying to convince me I have extra parental leave I can take, but as far as I can tell it’s just my normally-accrued sick/vacation leave and I’m allowed to make the excuse “parental leave”??

Plot twist will be when I have to explain why baby’s first words are German

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