Ryan, the Dad Who Loves Coffee @ryan@dads.cool

Introductions!

Ryan, 35, new dad of one ("E", born May 2019). Here for dadposting, dadvice, dadjokes, etc.

new presidential campaign platform: babies can have a little salami

just realized my baby has a more regular/comprehensive skincare routine than I do

best part of getting baby ready is putting lotion on his face and deforming it Mario 64 title screen style

E is like 95th percentile for height, which is completely baffling to us, two completely average-sized parents

earlier: “I want his first word to be ‘mama’! That’ll be so sweet!”

[monkey’s paw finger curls]

now: mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama! mama!

‘blowout sale’ takes on a completely different connotation after you’re a parent

it’s hypocritical for my wife to give me a hard time for loving sleep when it’s CLEARLY those same genes that make our baby love sleep

name is “bepanthen” & I just ordered a 3-pack off Amazon but it won’t get here until dec. 10th at the earliest 😭

before E was born, we bought some “nappy care cream” while on a trip to Ireland to put on a fresh tattoo my wife had gotten before we left. turns out this is also the best diaper rash cream we’ve been able to find anywhere for E’s drool rash

me to my single friends: “look, if you’re thinking about experimenting with a butter bell lifestyle, the best time is now”

trying to figure out if becoming a room-temperature “butter bell” guy would be a domestic hill worth dying on

making avocado purée for my baby & dooming his future prospects for home ownership

found this li’l hibernating stowaway while performing my weekend dadtask of cleaning the roof/gutters. put them back and covered ‘em up with some brush

filling out forms, just had to warrant that my baby hasn’t smoked in the past 2 years or had a drunk driving conviction in the past 5

wife wanted me to grow a beard a while back, now she’s finally grown tired of it and wants me to shave it back off. little does she realize that my threats to shave it down to a dadstache first are entirely real

i, obviously, am using my free hand to toot

currently shushing my baby to sleep while he uses his free hand to do the “let people enjoy things” move to my lips

drinking #coffee

soothing my 5 month old by letting him watch bootleg NES game playthroughs on youtube

none of the parenting books warned me about the “blowing raspberries constantly” stage of infant development