the best burn I know from history was handed to Charles Guiteau (Gee-TOH), future assassin of President Garfield, when he was living in the Oneida free love community, where they found him annoying and nobody wanted to get with him, and they called him "Charles Git-out"

Respectable historical burns, alcohol related 

Another one: During the Civil War, Lincoln's generals fought amongst themselves constantly, so they hated it when Grant got praise for winning battles, and called him a drunk. Lincoln retorted, if he's a drunk, find out what kind of whiskey he drinks and I'll send you each a barrel.

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